Weird Analogies, Tortured Metaphors, and a 21-Pun Salute

Thank you (?), Mark and Ruthe... 

From Mark: 

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Analogies & Metaphors Found In High School Essays:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
   
   
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
   
   
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
   
   
4. She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
   
   
5. She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
   
   
6. Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
   
   
7. He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
   
   
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
   
   
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
   
   
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
    
    
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
    
    
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
    
    
13. The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
    
    
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
    
    
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
    
    
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
    
    
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
    
    
18. Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
    
    
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
    
    
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
    
    
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
    
    
22. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
    
    
23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
    
    
24. The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
    
    
25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
    
    
26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
    
    
27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
    
    
28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
    
    
29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
    
    
30. Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
    
    
31. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

From Ruthe: 

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.
   
   
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
   
   
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
   
   
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
   
   
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
   
   
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
   
   
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
   
   
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
   
   
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
   
   
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    
    
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:  'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
    
    
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    
    
13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
    
    
14. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
    
    
15. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
    
    
16. A backward poet writes inverse.
    
    
17. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
    
    
18. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
    
    
19. Some wives mend their husband's socks; others just don't give a darn.
    
    
20. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
    
    And the special bonus pun...
    
    
21. It's not that the man didn’t want to juggle; he just didn't have the balls to perform.

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